The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
The Lab Results Are In!
For years, marital therapy has followed a set of techniques mostly adapted from the renowned psychotherapist Carl Rogers, teaching couples to validate while predominantly focusing on issues and the resolution of those problems. Well, the results are in and it appears that “solving” problems isn’t the most important thing when it comes to successful marriages.
In 1986, Dr. John Gottman founded the “Love Lab” at the University of Washington to observe couples with the aim of being able to predict which marriages would last and which would end in divorce. He later partnered with his wife Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman to create the Gottman Institute, which to this day continues to apply the research findings from the “Love Lab” to help couples build stronger relationships.
What They Discovered…
It appears they discovered nothing less than what makes some marriages fail, and to the contrary, why other marriages survive. Of note is that these findings shouldn’t be taken lightly as Dr. Gottman has been able to repeatedly predict divorce at rates exceeding 90%. What’s even more interesting is the sheer number of couples that have been studied – over 40,000.
One thing they found that does truly fly in the face of traditional marital therapy is that all couples have “perpetual problems” – problems that never fully get resolved. In fact, this number isn’t small either, it’s to the tune of 69% of the conflicts in marriages are never fully resolved. What’s even more interesting is that couples that stay together versus couples that end in divorce seem to share this statistic. In conclusion, conflict is not the predictor of divorce, nor is resolving it. It appears to have a lot more to do with the degree of positive sentiment between the partners. Ever heard of the rule that it takes 5 compliments to overcome a single criticism? Yep, that is a Gottman thing too!
But wait, the message isn’t to just ignore marital problems.
To the contrary, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work provides a plethora of exercises and techniques to help couples evaluate where their marriage is and how to systematically improve it. Personally, I especially appreciated the sections of the book on enhancing “Love Maps” and nurturing fondness and admiration. Within these sections are lists of questions to ask your partner with the intent of getting to know them on a deeper level. While many of us may feel like we know our partners really well, these questions and tests may inform you differently. Chances are, if you haven’t maintained the same degree of interest in your partner – like you did when you first started dating – then you have likely fallen out of tune with them. And of course, as they say, “what you focus on grows!” So quit focusing on where your partner lacks and start focusing on what you appreciate about them.
A few of my favorite quotes from the book!
The more emotionally intelligent a couple – the better able they are to understand, honor, and respect each other and their marriage.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
If fitness buffs spent just 10 percent of their weekly workout time – say, twenty minutes a day – working on their marriage instead of their bodies, they would get three times the health benefits they derive from exercise class or the treadmill.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Conflict resolution is touted not only as a cure-all for troubled marriages, but as a tonic that can prevent good marriages from faltering.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Therapy that focuses solely on active listening and conflict resolution doesn’t work.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Once your marriage gets “set” at a high degree of positivity, it will take far more negativity to harm your relationship than if your “set point” were lower.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Most marital arguments cannot be resolved.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Couples who are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses (cold, flu, and so on) than other people.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
It’s a biological fact: men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than are their wives.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Far more marriages can be saved than currently are. Even a marriage that is about to hit bottom can be revived with the right intervention.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
94 percent of the time, couples who put a positive spin on their marriage’s history and their partner’s character are likely to have a happy future as well.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt. If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate. And then, let your partner know what you’ve observed and are grateful for.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Ask what’s missing. When someone is sad, usually it’s because they feel that they have lost someone or something.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
A marriage can’t work unless both partners honor and respect each other.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
The emotionally intelligent husband is the next step in social evolution.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Negative emotions hold important information about how to love each other better.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
No one is right. There is no absolute reality in marital conflict. Only two subjective ones.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
More often marriages end because, to avoid constant skirmishes, husband and wife distance themselves so much that their friendship and sense of connection are lost.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Every positive thing you do in your relationship is foreplay.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
By holding your relationship to high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of marriage you want than you are by looking the other way and letting things slide.John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver : The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Get it today on Amazon!
Check out these other great books!
A Man’s Guide on How to Save Your Marriage
Without Having to Talk About ItDiscover what it means to be a "Powerful Man". To embody your masculine energy, take on the alpha role in your relationship, & take ownership over your actions.
Can’t Hurt Me
Master Your Mind And Defy The OddsExplore mental toughness, discipline, and the power of pushing beyond limits through the life story of Navy Seal and ultra endurance athlete David Goggins.
100M Offers
How to make offers so good people feel stupid saying noFrom hitting a ceiling to building scalable offers, Hormozi turned struggle into a blueprint. This book gives you the system without the pain.
Essentialism
The Disciplined Pursuit of LessDiscover the art of Essentialism — a life designed around purpose, not pressure. Do less, but better. Focus on what truly matters.